Dear Future Husband,

It's unsettling to have to admit but truly, I am not ready for you and honestly you may not be ready for me. And no, I haven't met you yet (or maybe I have and haven't a clue) but I get so overwhelmed when I think of you. To know that you are out there waiting, unknowingly, because God made you just for me is an overwhelming thought. That is why I am so thankful for you already. I try to imagine everything about you, even the smallest details. I imagine your beautiful eyes, the smile that you have designated just for me, your laugh that spreads joy. I could go and on because lately, you've been at the top of the list of things that I think about. After I've fixed Tierra, I can't wait to meet you and share our Godly connection. I can't wait fall in love with you and create memories, inside jokes, a bond and babies. Yes, a little humor because I know that you will have an out of this world sense of humor. I'm so anxious to meet you. Just know that on this day, May 14th, 2014 at 1:50, I made a vow to become a better person to create the perfect partner for you, so that we may finally get this show on the road. :)

Confessions... 1

For the past two years, I've been involved in a relationship that has gone nowhere. I've accepted that all of the unhappiness and bad habits that have come from this are my fault. As I sit and analyze my life, I question myself often on why I continue to involve myself with someone who isn't serving purpose in my life... And then I realize that he serves a purpose, he simply occupies a space. Yes that's a literal statement. I do not love him. Most days, I can barely stand him. Almost everything that he does annoys me but yet I continue to hang around.. This is why I say he's simply occupying a space because I've come face to face with the fact that I don't like being lonely. 

To say I've got issues that I need to deal with would be an understatement. This is the first bad relationship that I've dragged from one corner of hell to the next. The last three people I've been involved with were bad for me and I kept them hanging around. Three people that I felt needed help, or saving but how can I save someone if I'm sinking myself? That's the question that keeps nagging at me. That's the question that I'll keep in mind the next time I feel like I can't wait on God. I realized this morning that when we wait on God to send us His blessings, it's so much sweeter. Obviously because we see how great His favor is but it's also chilling to think of it as God coming to us, only in the form of people and things that we need the most. To know that He loves us that much amazes me.

I've known for a while now the things that I need to do to end this unhappiness and I just haven't done it. I'm tired of being tired. I'm sick of repeating the same things over and over. God keeps giving me chance after chance to get on a better path and I know that He won't give up on me. The thing is I need to accept his second, third, 50th chances before it gets too late. And I know that we like to believe that "it's never too late" but there are things that I want before I reach certain ages. I know that I can do it and I WILL DO IT. 

Tierra, I sit here in tears, making a promise to us. You will reach a level of happiness that you didn't know existed. I know that there are many material things that you want and you will acquire them all but in this moment, they aren't the important thing. Happiness. Happiness. It's all you've wanted for so long and no matter the struggles or the falls, you will have it and everything else will follow. Make this vow today to stop trying to edit God's plans and let Him have His way. God knows more about you than you or anybody else, stop trying to do His job and worry more about your part.